Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
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