I didn't shave. On purpose
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
