Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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