tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i love accidental penises.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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