im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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