I have surprise drugs for everyone
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
