Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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