Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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