I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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