Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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