At least make sure they are 18
Why
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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