after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
