When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
