I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
