Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
They have beer where we have blood.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
