Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Randomize
