My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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