New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
