broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
