they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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