I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Slut skills are useful in every country.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I just got carded by a ten year old.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I need to align my fucking chakras
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
