At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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