kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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