Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
