I look better un-naked...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
