the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
