dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
