he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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