Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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