Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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