Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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