I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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