just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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