Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
