She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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