If i come over, it means nothing
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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