I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
