The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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