vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
