Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
