Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Are we still banned from the library?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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