I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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