Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
