did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
