Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
