Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
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