you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Damn victory sex feels great
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
