just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
