it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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