so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
