He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
