It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
What a dumb baby whore.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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