Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Randomize
