yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
