I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
