last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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