My friends, they love my intelligence
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
