So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My day in three words: secret purse cake
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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