hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
