oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
